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| Over The Past Several Years I Have Collected A Number Of Jokes And Ancedotes Sent In By Customers And Other Friends. No Matter How Bad My Day, Reading Some Of This Stuff Always Seems To Lift My Spirits. As Such I Would Like To Share Some Of These With You. While Some Of These May Not Blow Your Skirt UP( I'm Sorry, I Forget The Internet Is World Wide)"A Southern Term Meaning Not Your Cup Of Tea". My Hope Is That Everyone Can Find Something To Enjoy. Also, While I May Occasionally Post Something That Is Mildly Risque, or Politically Incorrect ( Can't We All Just Get Along). Rest Assured That There Will Never Be Anything On Our Sight That You Wouldn't Want Your Young' uns or Your Mama To See. Special Thanks To Our Good Friend, Associate,
And Fishing Buddy Chuck Allred For Providing So Many
Of The Attached Items. Humor and Inspiration Proverbs Chapter 17, Verse 22 Say's "A Merry Heart Doeth Good
Like A Medicine: But A Broken Spirit Drieth The Bones" The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There
are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom,
one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
A BLOND
VISITS THE FARM His Doctor, His Priest and His Lawyer Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave. After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested." The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just
couldn't believe what he was hearing!
Best Dog Story A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered
that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
Grandma's boyfriend A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted. FAMOUS
PEOPLES ANSWERS TO ONE OF LIFES MOST PUZZLING QUESTIONS.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: What?, Did I miss one?
THE
PREACHER This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
heart you will feel glory. Now Then slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with
a body that would stop traffic The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
An
elderly man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why
does it cost so much?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30
seconds Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,,,, WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster ! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it
more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good
until he Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says: "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?" The old man whispers, "YEAH, How bout Unhooking my suspender from your side
view mirror."
IF YOU THINK THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A
FIREARMS WEBSITE YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT IS WAY YONDER MORE IMPORTANT
THAN ALL THIS OTHER STUFF.
-------------------------------------------------------- Just A Thought, The Real Joke Would Probably Be Watching Me One Finger
Type All Of This Stuff Onto The Website. SAM AND IZZY One day Izzy says, 'Sam, we both loved baseball all our lives, and
we Sam looks up at Izzy from his death bed and lovingly says,' Izzy,
you've Shortly after, Sam passes on. At midnight a few nights later, Izzy
is 'Who is it?, asks Izzy sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' The voice responds, 'Izzy -- it's me, Sam.' 'You're not Sam. 'Izzy, I'm telling you it's me, Sam,' insists the voice. 'So, Sam! Where are you?' asks Izzy. 'In heaven,' replies Sam. 'I have some good news and a little bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' says Izzy. 'The good news is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all
our 'You're pitching A High Tech Bar...
The most remarkable part of this sad story is not
what was visible but Some may suggest that is a sign of weakness, but I
know that it is the What a great life lesson we could all receive if we
choose to do the This week was a rather extraordinary week to me, for
I watched Some call the Amish old-fashioned. They don't watch
TV or listen to the To the Amish, I express my heartfelt sorrow and mourning
for your loss. Craig R. Smith is an author, commentator
I'm having a real good time like I am."
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally, his big sister had had enough. men standing by the door? The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Would you like to say the blessing?" "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BAD PUNS- AND A FEW GOOD ONES. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!! Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average
20 to 30 The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook
and you sold ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?" But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won
a motorhome! I've won a Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry, but you're The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "W I N A B A G E L" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY BRELOW IS NOT ABOUT ME,I SWEAR, HONEST INJUN,
IT WAS PASSED ALONG TO US. I HOPE YOU ENJOY. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new
acquisition was no problem. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight
or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the
"flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing
straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully
impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I
finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax
an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming
it was too painful to talk about, which it was. If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this? Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------- The father (never having seen an elevator) While the boy and his father were watching with They continued to watch until it reached the last The father, not taking his eyes off the young ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Author unknown - sentiment shared. For good and ill, the Iraqi prisoner abuse mess will remain an issue On the one hand, right thinking Americans will abhor the stupidity of the actions while on the other hand, political glee will take control and fashion this minor event into some modern day My Lai massacre. I heard some Arabs are asking for an apology. I humbly offer mine here: I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth, it was in the defense of Muslims (Bosnia, Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait, etc.). I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the
extremists came after I am sorry that Arabs have to live in squalor under
savage dictatorships. I am sorry that Yasir Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high jacked the Palestinian "cause". I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians. I am sorry that the USA has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA. I am sorry that our own left wing elite and our media can't understand any of this. I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the "food for oil" money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered. I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death. I am sorry that those same bombers are seeking 72 virgins? I am sorry that the homicide bombers think babies are a legitimate target. I am sorry that our troops died to free more Arabs. I am sorry they stopped the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents. I am sorry they show so much restraint when their brothers in arms are killed. I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group. I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state. I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah. I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a
convenient "Holy Site". I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, etc. I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa. I am sorry the French are french? America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do. We hang out our dirty laundry for all the world to see. We move on. That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology. Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners. Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated? Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujans. If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait. You have a better chance of finding those 72 virgins. If you are "sorry" also, pass it on! Here is something EVERY AMERICAN should know. We in the United States have all heard the haunting song, "Taps." It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings. Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the
narrow strip of land. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.
The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" .. used at military funerals was born. The words are.... Day is done ... Gone the sun...From the lakes ... >From the hills...From the sky .. All is well .. Safely rest ... God is nigh Fading light ... Dims the sight ... And a star .. Gems the sky... Gleaming bright .. >From afar .. Drawing nigh ... Falls the night ..
I, too, have felt the chills while listening to "Taps" but I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse. I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before. REMEMBER THOSE LOST AND HARMED WHILE SERVING THEIR COUNTRY. And also those presently serving in the Armed Forces.. NOTE- SORRY IF THIS IS A LITTLE MORE RISQUE THAN USUAL,
I JUST COULDN'T RESIST. Joe was traveling through Mexico on vacation when,
lo and behold, "May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy. "Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border," "But I can prove that I'm an American!"
he exclaims. "I have a picture "This I gotta see," replies the agent. With
that, Joe drops his pants and "By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston." "Thanks!" Joe says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?" The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle." THANKS TO MY FRIEND ARNOLD B. IN S.C. FOR THIS ONE. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, >Republicans > > > and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the > > > following > > > question: > > > > > > You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small > > > children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a
huge knife Subject: Eagle America is typically represented by an eagle.... Saddam and Bin Laden should have read up on their Muslim passages...
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran Verse 9:11 For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo,while some of the people trembled in despair, still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. Note the verse number
The Loan A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the
title
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park
my car Finally, a smart blonde joke GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
1) You believe in Santa Claus. At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. Born to Sell... Now, here's a guy who makes the most out of a sales opportunity! A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega
department The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid's looks, so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
the store was The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one!? Our sales people average 20 to 30
sales a day. The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him The kid says, "Well, no. Actually, he came in here to buy a
box of tampons for At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Indian Lore The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." The Federal government employs more advanced strategies: 1. Buying a stronger whip. And my personal favorite........... 13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. Anyone remember this?? It was 1987! At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt. Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning! He was being drilled by some senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir." The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?" "No, sir," continued Ollie. "No? And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir." "Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned. "By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered. "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?" "His name is Osama bin Laden, sir" Ollie replied. At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked. "Because, sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of", Ollie answered. "And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator. "Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator disagreed with this approach, and that was all that was shown of the clip. By the way, that senator was Al Gore The Umbrella and the Beaver Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied." "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I m O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "! OOPS!" While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
.An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me
off this Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am,
God. I'm still He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released
from The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's
the matter The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me." The Cabdriver. Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis
as their only So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered
a After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood
before me. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on
the counters. "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my
passengers the When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly. "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm
on my way to a I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I
don't have any I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would
you like me to For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me
the building Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building
or As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said,
"I'm We drove in silence to the address she had given me. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The "You have to make a living," she answered. "There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said.
"Thank I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. ...... It was the sound of the closing of
a I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT 'YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU ~BUT ~
Subject: Cajun Fisherman A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently
with "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
de "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After "Well, what?" Said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." T! he driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking." Subject: what a dog > > > > > > A guy sees a sign in front of a house: > > > > > > "Talking Dog for Sale." > > > > > > He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is > > > in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and > > > sees a black mutt just sitting there. > > > > > > "You talk?" he asks. > > > > > > "Sure do." the dog replies. > > > > > > "So, what's your story?" > > > > > > The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my > > > gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help > > > the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and > > > in no time they had me jetting from country to > > > country, sitting in rooms with spies and world > > > leaders, because no one figured a dog would be > > > eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable > > > spies eight years running. > > > > > > "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew > > > I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle > > > down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do > > > some undercover security work, mostly wandering near > > > suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered > > > some incredible dealings there and was awarded a > > > batch of medals. > > > > > > "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." > > > > > > The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the > > > owner what he wants for the dog. > > > > > > The owner says, "Ten dollars." > > > > > > The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth > > > are you selling him so cheap?" > > > > > > "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!" FOR MORE JOKES AND STUFF GO TO OUR ARCHIVE SECTION OR SCROLL TO BOTTOM.
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